A Very Dutch Branding Issue

The Hague, The Netherlands

Serbia Says Jailed Mladic Will Face War Crimes Trial

After 15 years, Ratko Mladic, the former Bosnian Serb... was captured. He will be sent to The Hague for trial...

If I had read this headline a few years ago, The Hague would not have been a place that I should like to visit, let alone live. Doesn't that sound like he was sent to jail (e.g., He was sent to Riker's Island)? (BTW - Rijkers, also named for a Dutchman) Even the BBC, the anchor said "That was John Stone AT The Hague" (Wha?! Dear Dept. of Queen's English, how can you be AT a city?) Bottom line, the Dutch have some branding issues. 

Allow me to propose some branding guidelines for anyone in the House of Orange looking to rebrand their wijk/feifdom/bosch/county/dorp/city/state/country/land:

1. Saint or San - OK; The, 't, 's - Not OK - Location names should start with New, South, Saint (San), or Old, but never "The". Oude Delfshaven, approved. 's Hertogenbosch, foul! Dam or dijk (dike) are good too because they are usually suffixes.  Plus who doesn't love to say "DAAAM!" or "DIKE!"
2. Pick a name with fair vowel to consonant ratio -  The Dutch language is difficult for gringos and non-gringos. What with its funny throat clearing noises, alternating vowel rich words (e.g. zeeëend) and consonant rich words (e.g. slechtstschrijvend) add two more degrees of difficulty. Heck, it's a challenge for us to pronounce the Dutch word "please" (alstublieft.) Paris is a great name. Milan is a great name. Paris is probably the same spelling in every Latin based language. People name cookies after Milan. Also, people name their children "Paris" for Pete's sake! (BbA does not in any way condone naming children Paris)
3. Paris => Parisian; The Hague => Haguer? Haguian? Haagse - For your rebranded town, choose a name where country-men or women will have some relation to the place (from Paris, a.k.a. Parisian. From New York, New Yorker) For the record, people who are from The Hague are Haagse. If you are from The Netherlands, you are ______ (Answer below). If you guessed Hollandaise, you are in good company with people who like rich sauces and French food. Also bad: United States. Hence, "Americans", to the justifiably chagrined 700 Million plus Latinos and some righteously indignant Canadians.
4. You say Binnenhof,  I say Buitenhof, They Say Hofijver, We all say Parliament - One of The Hague's most famous landmarks is its parliament complex. It has a pond in front and is the location of the original Count's Hedge ('s Gravenhage). The Binnenhof, what I incorrectly call the picturesque building, literally means inner courtyard, not the building as I refer to it. Hofijver is the moat in front of it. Buitenhof, the courtyard across the street. It is best to call the whole place parliament. Another bad name, The White House, see 1. above. Pick something comprehensive, that describes the whole location.

   

   The actual Binnenhof, (photo by lyzadanger)
5. Minimize the g's and therefore the growling - If I tell people I live in Amsterdam, they immediately picture where I live: windmills, canals, red lights, and non-stop dance parties. If I say 's Gravenhage, they say "Bless you!" I have a hard time with the letter "g" in the Dutch language. In most cases, it has a throat-clearing, growling sound that immediately betrays you as a non-Dutch native when attempted. When you rebrand your city, try to keep these to a minimum. An exception, Gouda, synonymous with tasty Dutch dairy products, is fun to say in English. As in "Have a Goud-a day!" Caution, in Dutch it is pronounced more like "HCCKKH-ouwt-ehh". If you say "Good-a" no one will know what you are talking about.
6. Pick a name that sounds the same in multiple languages - French for the Netherlands "Les Pays-Bas", Spanish for the Netherlands "Países Bajos" or "Holanda".  All of which connote "low lands" in their respective language. This compounds people not knowing where you are from if you say "The Netherlands." because it sounds nothing like your native language. Hence, I sometimes say Amsterdam, even as we are about 60 km from there. Better to choose a name like Caracas or Kodiak. No translation necessary.

Here are some trivia questions to further illustrate Dutch branding issues: 

I. Which one of these name is the original name for The Hague?

1. t' Hetogenbosch
2. Des Graven Hage
3. Haag
4. Heerhugowaard

II. True or False If you are from The Netherlands you are Dutch

III. True or False If you are from The Netherlands you are from Holland

IV. True of False If you speak Dutch, you also speak Flemish and vice versa

V. What territory used to be part of Holland?

1. Flanders
2. Wallonia
3. Zeeland
4. Zealand

So the next time you drain a part of the north sea or create you own city, why not choose something that is easy for Dutchmen and non-Dutchmen to wrap their mind around? My suggestion Flavoland (as in Flavor Flav o'land).




Answers: 
I: 2., II: True, III: True and False Holland is an easter, low-lying, sub-area of The Netherlands. Amseterdam and The Hague are in Holland. After all, people in The Netherlands living outside Holland do not like people saying they are from Holland., IV: True, Dutch and Flemish derive from the same root language, V. Flanders is the Dutch/Flemish speaking part of the dysfunctional country of Belgium.